The "Season of the Witch" is Upon Us.

This September, go to Hell.

It's been a very long time since I did a Cage Quest review. To be honest, I think a big part of it was G-Force absolutely sucking all enthusiasm that I previously had for this project right out of the depths of my soul, but the other part of it was probably just my life catching up with me. However, one must make time for Cage. Cage makes time for all of us, so why not return the favor? So, let me first take a moment to apologize to you, Nic, for spending so much of my time not watching your movies and filling my life with gladness. However, in the time that I haven't been watching your movies, Drive Angry came out, so there's just another one for me to eventually tuck under my belt. And I'm really, really excited to see that one.

Anyway, this week's selection comes to us courtesy of my roommate, who left two Blockbuster rentals on the floor of our apartment for me to find upon coming home with a note praising both. I think it was meant to be that this movie was one of the two, so I went into this with a smile on my face and my fingers crossed, expecting the typical Cage greatness.

This...is Season of the Witch.

I love Nicolas Cage, and I love Ron Perlman. So of course, the fact that the two of them star side-by side in this movie is a huge plus for me. Cage plays Behmen and Perlman plays Felson, both of them Teutonic Knights fighting in what I'm supposed to believe are the Crusades. However, let's stop right there and consider this. The battle shown starting not six minutes into the movie is of such a ridiculous green-screen-desert-scene scale that there's no way the battle could have taken place during the major crusades, which had (as is common knowledge) pretty much ended by the 13th century, while this film takes place in the 14th century. So, not only is the history wrong, but it's obscenely wrong, and utterly ridiculous.

Anyway, after some slow-motion, CGI-blood-filled battle scene where Cage and Perlman joke about the man who kills the most men earning free drinks that night (because slaughter merits free alcohol!), we get some delightful soundtrack of that singer-that-might-be-singing-Latin-but-no-one-is-ever-sure-and-never-talks-about-it, and then we find ourselves in the pub with Cage and Perlman, celebrating with alcohol and women, and then IMMEDIATELY BACK to the slow-motion fight scenes. We go through like five of these, all with ridiculous slow-motion and everyone always wearing the same outfits (although when they're in the snow, they do wear nice fur shawls). I really didn't need five minutes of this onslaught of stabs and "epic" music. It was all just more than a little silly.

Then Cage makes a mistake in the dark and stabs a lady in the chest! And that gives him some epiphany about how they're actually killing people, I guess? And he sees all these dead women and children and is like "DAMNNNNNNNNNNN" and Perlman looks at him and they just. Almost cry. It's so silly.

My name's Hellboy and baaaaaaaAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Cage and Perlman run outside to cry to their leader, who talks down to them. Cage snarls some wittiness under his breath and Ron Perlman continues to be a very attractive old man.

One month later, Cage and Perlman are wandering around aimlessly in their now battle-free life, and they come across a farmhouse with a long-dead owner, who had suffered from the bubonic plague. Despite not knowing what the plague looks like, they burn the house down and leave.

Arson: always the best choice.

After reaching a town and trying to get proper horses to take them away, Cage fucks up by letting the merchant see the crest on his sword, and soldiers come to detain them. They try to fight the soldiers off, with some awesome ridiculousness involving Cage warding off crossbow arrows with a dagger, but the two of them are eventually captured and taken to see some old dude with the plague who's bedridden and surrounded by doctors. The dude and a priest say that the plague is a curse from the Black Witch, who Behmen needs to take somewhere special to have her burned and free the people from the plague. Cage refuses and Perlman looks snide.

Perlman continues to make witty, Hellboy-esque banter, and both of them are imprisoned, where they see the supposed witch for the first time. Some shit happens with a dream sequence and the girl crying that makes Cage change his mind? I don't know. Shit makes no sense. He looks like he's sympathetic, but then he's like "okay, let's go burn this bitch."

Anyway, then pretty much nothing happens for about an hour. They're traveling to this other city, they lose her, they go find her, and they continue on. The whole way she's manipulating them to make them think that she's good. However, we already know that witches do exist in this world because there was a witch-hanging scene at the beginning of the movie where one of the three women hanged actually was a witch and came back from the dead. So, it's pretty obvious how this one is going to end from the very beginning.

Oh, and there's a LORD OF THE RINGS SWEEPING AIR SHOT OF TRAVEL!!! Those are always fun.

Probably the best scene from the tavel montage is when the group is attacked by a bunch of demon-wolves in the middle of the night. The CGI used to make the wolves look more menacing is some of the most ridiculous shit I've ever seen, and I could do nothing but laugh, even as the group's guide was eaten alive.

A-HERP

A-DERPPPPP

Anyway, with about twenty-some minutes left in the entire movie (including the credits), the group finally arrives at the monastery or whatever it is, only to find that all of the monks had died of the plague. The priest in the group tries to use the incantation in the Key of Solomon against witches, but somehow the girl exposes herself as possessed instead of a demon? It's not really explained...? Who fucking knows. So they try to exorcise her and then all this crazy shit happens with the demon coming out and using the dead monks' bodies as weapons? And everyone dies. Everybody. Dies. Including Cage. Shit fucking sucks. But I guess the demon is defeated or whatever by the altar boy. Yawn. YAWWWWNNN.

Good winking death face, though, Cage.

This movie is absolutely ridiculous. The only thing it's good for is Nic Cage and Ron Perlman in capes and looking rugged, dramatic Cage one-liners followed by him turning and walking haughtily away, and music overlain with that who-knows-what-language-they're-speaking-in singer. This is one of those Cage movies that is there solely for Nic to look confused 80% of the time and pissed off the rest of the time. It's nowhere near as bad as G-Force, not by a long shot, but even the fact that Cage and Perlman are both in it isn't enough to redeem it. It's boring. I spent most of the movie wishing it would be over, and just because I had better things to be doing. So.

Mr. Cage, I'm going to have to give this one only 1.5 demon possessions out of 5. It had none of the hilarious charm that Knowing had, but it was still nowhere near as bad as G-Force. Cage, you can do better. Shakin my damn head, bro. (Though you really should wear capes more often.)